gratitude.

It was a Monday morning in January and we met together over frozen coffee drinks and warm croissants at our favorite coffee shop. We gabbed and laughed and caught up about all the craziness that had ensued in each of our lives over Christmas break. Then, quieting our souls and opening wide our hands, we prayed together - inviting the Spirit to enter in and speak to our hearts. And so He did.

Thankfulness. Gratitude. Thanksgiving. What do these things really mean and what do they mean for us as we stumble through this one grace-covered life? This is what we are going to dive into in these next months - she told me - this is what we need.

So in we dove. We studied. We prayed. We asked questions. We cried tears. Each Monday morning over coffee and croissants, there was a new wave of fresh air and fresh eyes to see thankfulness for what it truly was. A life line for the weary. A anchor of hope for the tired. A healing touch for the broken. A light for those hiding in darkness. And we kept a list. Oh, the list. Week after week after week of scratching and scribbling down those things for which we were thankful.

It became a nightly ritual for me. With my notebook and pen living next to my bed, each night I looked forward to looking back at the day to remember. To remember all the grace gifts I could give thanks for. This practice became as natural as breathing. So many nights falling into bed and turning out the light in pure exhaustion - only to find myself five minutes later with the light shining once again, pen and notebook in hand, simply listing and listing and listing. Eight hundred and twenty-seven things. That's a lot of grace in a mere ten months.

Pizza & Bachelor at Jen's house.
Morning light after run.
Riding in car with windows down at night.
Life coaching seminar.
"Let's All Be Brave" by Annie Downs
Andrew looking at rings for Ty.
Sunrise service.
Cali.
Psalm 27.
It's brave to be sad.
Watermelon smoothies at Bible study.
Thank you notes from 4th graders.
Soul touching book.
Spin classes.
Birthday celebration with Isa.
God's promises.
Harry Potter movies.
Romans 12:1.
Dancing at Elsa and Dito's wedding.
Being desperate for Jesus.
Papa's boots.
Grace's gift from Africa.
Milkshakes in movie theaters.
Writing letters.
New students at Young Life.
Girl's winning basketball game.
Honest conversations.
Salted Caramel Apple Pie bars.

To name a few. As our study wrapped up mid-May, the months continued to come crashing in with all their change and loss and grief and insecurity - but I continued to list. I continued to give thanks. I continued to look for grace. Partly because now it was habit but mostly because now I needed this list to survive. I need to know His goodness on days that are filled mostly with tears. I need to see His loving-kindness on days shadowed with doubt and insecurity. I need to be reminded of His grace on the days where I can't see past my own brokenness.

So I will continue to list out all the ways He loves me and I will continue to attempt to live out of this heart place of gratitude and thankfulness and thanksgiving. Without it, I melt into the doubt and fear and anxiety. But with it, I can visibly see His touches of grace that cover this whole and holy life.