fall.

I used to hate the fall. "Fall only means that winter is coming." - I would claim - "It just means colder temperatures and everything dulls and dies. Summer forever!" Throughout my college years I stood by this notion firmly. As my friends all cozied up and enjoyed the new brisk air coming through, I sulked and prepared for what seemed to me "the worst".

I used to hate the fall. Until I moved to country where seasons don't change and it really does feel like  summer forever. Nowadays autumn is one of the seasons that makes me the most homesick. I miss the changing colors, the not sweating every time you step outside, the flannel and scarves, the chill in the air. I miss the wrapping up in a blanket and bonfires and apple picking and fair food and ALL THE PUMPKIN SPICE. And the boots. Oh, how I miss the boots.

But this missing of the fall season goes so much deeper then just the frills that come along with it. I think on another level, my heart longs to see the physical proof that there can be beauty in brokenness. Because in reality when fall hits and temperatures drops, a lot of live things around us begin to die. The leaves changing and dropping from the trees really does signify that winter is coming. That darkness is upon us. That brokenness is all around.

But yet, somehow it's just so beautiful. There is always thankfulness in the brokenness. So really what I think I miss most about the fall is the healing that always awaited me there. That amidst the red and yellow and orange leaves falling, I was somehow falling more in love with Jesus. That as I wrapped that blanket around my shoulders, the Spirit of comfort would wrap itself around my heart. That as I drew close to hot cups of coffee and big, blazing bonfires to warm my fingers and toes, my heart was somehow drawn closer to Him to warm the colder places of my soul.

There's something to be said about the changing of seasons. Each one brings its own ups and downs and curveballs and joys - but autumn and all of it's healing { and let's be honest, all of it's pumpkin too } is one that I will continually miss the most.

wild & free.

I know I need to...but when I'm honest with myself, I don't really want to. Enter into my brokenness. Go towards the darkness. Walk towards the pain. Everything in me sends red flags and loud sirens straight to my heart. A stop sign flashes before my eyes - warning signals all around. Suddenly distractions come at me from every angle. My phone vibrates on the couch. I find my mug of coffee empty (and it was only my first!). My cat curls up next to me, asking for attention. My newest novel sits on the table in front of me, begging to be cracked open.

But I hear the truth sweetly whispering in my ears: Until I finally face the brokenness, I will never experience the healing I so desperately seek. Unless I can admit the loss that has come in this season of change and transition, I will continue to walk around wounded. With my heart bleeding and my soul crying and my mind weakening - making way for the sudden influx of lies and despair that seem to be seeping in.

"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." 

- Brené Brown

My friend has this quote tattooed across her side. There, permanently etched in black ink, just about as close to her heart as a tattoo could be. I see it there, from time to time, on beach trips or days spent by the pool. Each time I read it, it makes me sigh with relief and cringe with fear all at the same time.

I also see it on a daily basis - because my friend lives this way as well. Unafraid of her darkness. Confident that by entering in she will once again see and experience the light. She's so very brave, this friend of mine. And simply by living this out in a real and tangible way, she invites me to be just as brave. To face my darkness. Brokenness. Loss.

And to trust that on the other side, there is infinite light awaiting me. There is healing awaiting me. There is wild freedom awaiting me. So I take baby steps - poco a poco and little by little - but with each step I take, my heart grows a little lighter, a little wilder and a little more free.