hesed.

HESED: Someone cares and is actively doing something about it.

My heavy heart suddenly soared within me when I first read this definition of the way God loves. It was a like a little piece of all that was breaking within me found rest and solace for the first time in months. This was sometime in the year twenty fifteen and though the exact date or time escapes me, I can remember the feeling of the moment I realized it: He has not forgotten me. The quiet whisper of this truth was soon buried under the weight of all that I saw around me - yet it slowly began to anchor itself to my heart, waiting for just the right moment to re-emerge. And change everything.

When I first chose this word  - or did it choose me? - as my focus word for twenty sixteen, I had no idea the way it would evolve into a way of living. My very being depends on how often and how deeply I breath in this word. God has truly engraved it on my heart, into my very lungs, speaking hesed over all areas of my life. Let me explain.

2015 was not my favorite year - a deep heart break, the destruction of my family's home in a flood, the uncertainty of my future, the loss of some key Young Life girls to the whimsical, shiny opportunities that college and high school offer, watching my grandfather get sicker and sicker from afar. These things coupled with a misunderstanding of God's love brought about a pretty shaky year. Everything felt unstable. Enter: January 1, 2016. I knew I needed something new. Fresh. A hope to cling to. A promise to stand on. My little buried Truth that had unknowingly weaved itself into my soul, peeped its head out of the brokenness that surrounded, as if to say: "Remember me?" And here, hesed made its ground breaking appearance.

Nothing in my circumstances necessarily changed. But hesed entered in the picture and completely changed my heart. It was a gradual thing - the first two months felt equally as shaky as the previous year. But I clung to hesed anyways. I grabbed hold of the idea that God is actively working in my life even when I don't always see how He is moving. I prayed for new vision, new truth, new hope. And He delivered.

Hesed is a Hebrew word, only found in certain places throughout the Bible. There is no direct English translation but the closest would be "loving-kindness" or "steadfast love". Most often it is used in the scriptures when referring the covenantal, sacrificial love that God has for His children. A kind of love that says:

 "You are never forgotten."

"I have bound Myself to you."

"I am with you always."

"I go before you in all things and in Me all things hold together."

"I care about you and am actively doing something about it."

"And yes, even on the days you don't see Me - I still love you more then you will ever know."

Hesed is God working in the seemingly darkened or shadowed places in my life - not because of anything I am doing right, not because I deserve it - simply because He loves me. So now instead of looking only to what I see before me, hesed is teaching me to look for what is unseen - the mysterious, inner workings of Jesus. They are so real. But it has taken a change in perspective, a God given new set of eyes, a heart set on an unshakable foundation.

Often, I still want to crawl back into my hole of self pity and disbelief that my life could be anything more then what I see before me. Thankfully, hesed always brings me back into the loving gaze of my Father and I am reminded this is the good life. And you know what? The best is yet to come.

God is not withholding this thing or that person from me just to watch me suffer. { Although, some days I believe just that. } No - I am living the good life and it is a life that is meant to be lived in the present, ordinary days. When I take my eyes off the splendor of the everyday, when I stop marveling at the unseen - I'm shaken. I'm off kilter. I'm anxious and scared and my mind { and heart } suddenly turn to survival mode. But when I open my heart to the light and recall hesed to mind - everything stills. Peace, which transcends all understanding, covers me. My gaze returns on the One who loves me and I rest in the shadows of His wings.

Some things in life, I have found, promise me a hesed-type of love but always eventually leave me in my most vulnerable moment of desperation. I fall into the sickening yet alluring call of idol after idol after idol. But when I follow the pseudo-promises of beauty, love, material, money, technology, attention, people-pleasing - I am always left with an overwhelming feeling of shame and disappointment. But there is so much grace waiting for me at the feet of Jesus.

The only call that matters is the One that calls me Home.
The One who calls me Higher.
The One who calls me His.
The One who calls me to hesed.

Jesus cares. And He is actively engaged in my life, whether or not I can see it played out before me. He works ever mysteriously yet always intentionally. On these truths, I will plant and water my roots - praying He will continue to grow them and weave them around the depths of His heart. A heart that is always for me and forever with me. A heart that beats hesed love. Just. For. Me.