imperfect.

I'm the first to admit that I'm not perfect. I know my baggage way to intimately to try to pretend it doesn't exist (though sometimes I still do try, you know. To pretend it doesn't exist. And shockingly enough, it doesn't work). It has been a long process to get to the point that I know where and what I come from. I know who I am and I embrace it all. All the ups and downs and bruises and joys and scars and smiles. { all of it. } I've learned to not just accept the happy memories but also embrace the sad or painful ones because those are a part of me too and to deny them is to deny my true being and Christ didn't come to make sure all His people looked good and had it all together (which I really did believe, for a long time).

But I've gotten into this habit recently. This habit of taking all my baggage, my issues, my junk and trying to make it look pretty. Oh sure, I'll be happy to share about this part of my life with you - but look at how much I've grown from it. Oh yes, I struggled with that for a long time - but now look how differently I live.

And while these things might be true, I'm still not fully living when I put a bow around a scar. Because when I talk about the past and make it sound pretty when it wasn't - it's a downright lie.

This habit of mine, I am starting to realize, is affecting my ability to live in present vulnerability of the here and now. Because it's hard to let people see my mess. To allow people enter into to the mess with me and sit with me there. I would rather sit alone, figure it out and tell you about it later (and all that I learned!) so I might feel like less of a burden or less imperfect.

Let me tell you - that place is l o n e l y and not the way it was meant to be. I so wish I could tell you how I've now figured it all out and learned this amazing secret on how to let myself be vulnerable. But the only secret that I can come up with is this: vulnerability is hard and it sucks and it's risky.

So what's the good news here? The good news is a promise. A promise of hope for those days I feel stuck in the overwhelming, messy waves of life. A promise that I keep coming back to everyday:

"He is before all things and in Him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17

Vulnerability is hard and it sucks and it's risky. But Jesus was in the mess before I even knew there was a mess. And He holds all things together even when I feel like they are falling apart. He gives grace after grace after grace to His messy, imperfect children. This abyss of grace, this free fall into surrender - this is where I experience Jesus in His purest form. Because, as I said before, Jesus didn't come to make sure all His children looked good and had it all together. He came to sit with us in the mess.