story.

One of my dear friends packed up her life last Tuesday to move to another country. She actually has a pretty incredible story of how she got where she is and it is yet another story that gives hope to the hurting.

It has been a gift that she has allowed me to walk alongside her in this process, which began almost two years ago. We've laughed together, cried together.  We've prayed together, adventured together. She has been there to listen to my stories about the craziness and the loneliness and the bittersweetness. I have been there to listen to her stories about the waiting and the grieving and the rebuilding.

And now she is on the brink of something beautiful - the newness that life abroad brings - and I find myself ever so slightly...jealous.

I am jealous of the host family experience.

I am jealous of the language learning process.

I am jealous of the room with a view.

I am jealous of how Jesus will pursue.

I am jealous of the afternoon coffee.

I am jealous of the adventure.

I am jealous of the learning.

I am jealous of not knowing which way is up.

I am jealous of the tears that will come.

I am jealous of the joy that will abound.

I am jealous of the unexpected.

It seems wrong of me to say these things. I feel strange even writing them now. But as I was pondering over these things this morning, Jesus found me in the jealousy, in the sweet way that only He can.

Please don't get me wrong: I love my life now. I would never, ever, ever want to change it or the process it took to get here. This story is mine and it is one that was written just for me. But as I look back on all my different phases of life, those first ten months of being abroad are closest to my heart. And it was because of so much more then just the experience of a new place, new people, new culture - it was the experiencing of Jesus in a real, raw way. In a way that I so desperately needed but never knew it until it happened.

In many ways, the things that I am jealous of in my friend's new beginning are things that still happen  for me every day. There is still much to be learned, Jesus still pursues, tears still come, joy still abounds. Coffee is an all day craving, I often do not know which was is up, I have come to expect the unexpected and it is always, always, always an adventure.

So in the midst of the shallow jealousy, I find deep gratitude. A gratitude that only comes when Jesus finds me in my unsatisfied state and puts His lens of grace over the easily discouraged eyes of my heart.

He shows me how to lean into Him, instead of standing on my own.

He shows me how newness of life is an every day thing because His mercies are new every morning.

He shows me how it is always about the process because He is always in the process.

With all the fondness of my heart, I will forever cherish those first ten months abroad. They prepared me, changed me, challenged me in ways I never knew possible. But in the midst of jealousy and missing the simplicity that life held for me then, I now see through a lens of gratitude - lens of grace - lens of Jesus. I am so very thankful that I have something that was so sweetly bitter to look back on and say:

{ this. this is where Jesus wrecked me.and this is where Jesus restored me.

because Jesus is always in the business of redeeming His children. }