feel.

Hot tears poured down my cheeks. These tears that seemed to have a mind of their own, for there was no stopping them now. They have made their appearance over and over again in the last few days - but even when they were not dripping down my face, they were still there. Sitting on the edge, lurking in the background, waiting to be set free. And now they are. Free, that is.

This battle that has been waging within me gave the tears permission to fall. And when he finally left with his new family, they came right on cue. As if it was a curtain call and they were waiting for their grand entrance. But this battle, this war of justice and injustice. It rips at me still and I grasp to understand it. How something so good, also brings so much pain. This word: adoption. Generally, this word brings forth excitement and joy. As it should! But for me, right now, it brings nothing but painful reminders of what was.

I watch this beautiful family around me grieve for the loss of their loved one. And I am struck by the fact that there will now be a hole in their lives and the fact that adoption is a good thing does not make that hole go away. And the fact that God is in control of all does not change what is happening. And the truth of who God is and how much He loves us does not wipe away pain. At least, not yet. Not in the moment when you watch a three year old boy get torn from the only family he has known since he was nine months old. Not when you see the tear stained faces of all those who have loved him and raised him since his mom left him in the hospital for drugs. Truth does not always lessen pain.

Everything I have learned this past eight months is put to the test: to flee or feel. And in this hardship, I chose and I choose to feel. And oh, how my heart felt deeply. Twisting around itself, feeling the hurt drive deeper and deeper as everything around me was moving, almost in slow motion.

But deep in the pain, there was a bitter sweetness. Just barely peeking out amongst the thorns. But surely there nonetheless. Because only what is broken is open to His entry.

And at the end of the day, when I've run dry of tears and I sit and breathe and process, my mind recalls this verse:

I am still confidant of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD,

be strong & take heart

& wait for the LORD.

-Psalm 27:13-14

Though I cannot see goodness in everything, I take heart and I wait.

I risk. I trust. I feel.

And I live - fully & freely.

(This is Oswald, my now 3 year old host brother who was a foster child living with my Costa Rican family since he was 9 months old. For almost 2 and half years he has lived with Olga, Elberth, Josue and Julie. He was very sick and in and out of the hospital when he was younger. Because his mom kept trying to get him back, in between the jail and drugs, he remained in foster care for these years. Last month, he was officially declared "abandoned" and therefore up for adoption. Olga could not adopt him because of monetary expenses and her age. So within a month, another couple came, got to know Oswald for a few days, and he went to live with them on Monday. While it is a sweet celebration for Oswald's new parents and for the hopeful stability Oswald will be able to have from now on, it is still a hard transition for all, including my host family who raised him. Please join me in praying for a smooth transition for this precious boy, for his new parents and for my host family and their loss.)