complicated.

Three months, three weeks and five days. It seems like such a random, insignificant amount of time yet today it weighs heavy on my heart.

It's hard to find words to wrap around that piece of my life. When people ask about it, I smile quietly as to brush them off, embarrassed of the pit that forms in my stomach and the sudden catch in my throat. If I'm quite honest with myself, it's easier to just not think about it. Three months, three weeks and five days since I got off that plane...yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm finding now that the further I move away, the harder it is to pretend. The longings come more fiercely now. The pain of missing the people I love there hits me when I least expect it. The ache for little things like a sun that rises at six a.m., the teal chair I sat in every morning to read and write, the circle of woman on Tuesday nights who made me laugh til my sides hurt. 

How easy is has been to put on a show. Most people, I find, have assumed that with a new job, new fiancé and new city, I have completely forgotten. That because I have Target and Chick-Fil-A at the tip of my fingers, I don't think about Nicaragua anymore. That I don't miss the busy noises of city life, the rice and beans for breakfast, the high quality of coffee that is truly unmerited, the feeling of locking arms with people of a different culture to mutually learn from one another.

But these are false assumptions.

The transition of returning is far more complicated than I ever imagined it would be. The internal battle of identity and purpose rages within me daily. The disconnection from my sense of self has me questioning everything. The paralyzing feeling of constantly being outside of my own skin, lost in a world where I "should be" at home.

I wish that I had a pretty bow to tie all this up in - a way to explain how I am able to put my trust in Jesus, just be in His presence, experience the realness of His promises. But I don't. And I can't. My current reality is one that is all mangled and messy and imperfect. Yes, I have moments of joy, grace and His goodness. Yes, I cherish experiencing the fall, being in love, learning a new job, sitting in coffee shops. Yes, I am confidant that I am exactly where He wants me to be.

Most days I feel as if it should be easier to have it all together here...but it's not. It's only easier to pretend to have it all together. And I'm finally coming into the realization that it is okay that I don't quite yet.