complicated.

Three months, three weeks and five days. It seems like such a random, insignificant amount of time yet today it weighs heavy on my heart.

It's hard to find words to wrap around that piece of my life. When people ask about it, I smile quietly as to brush them off, embarrassed of the pit that forms in my stomach and the sudden catch in my throat. If I'm quite honest with myself, it's easier to just not think about it. Three months, three weeks and five days since I got off that plane...yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm finding now that the further I move away, the harder it is to pretend. The longings come more fiercely now. The pain of missing the people I love there hits me when I least expect it. The ache for little things like a sun that rises at six a.m., the teal chair I sat in every morning to read and write, the circle of woman on Tuesday nights who made me laugh til my sides hurt. 

How easy is has been to put on a show. Most people, I find, have assumed that with a new job, new fiancé and new city, I have completely forgotten. That because I have Target and Chick-Fil-A at the tip of my fingers, I don't think about Nicaragua anymore. That I don't miss the busy noises of city life, the rice and beans for breakfast, the high quality of coffee that is truly unmerited, the feeling of locking arms with people of a different culture to mutually learn from one another.

But these are false assumptions.

The transition of returning is far more complicated than I ever imagined it would be. The internal battle of identity and purpose rages within me daily. The disconnection from my sense of self has me questioning everything. The paralyzing feeling of constantly being outside of my own skin, lost in a world where I "should be" at home.

I wish that I had a pretty bow to tie all this up in - a way to explain how I am able to put my trust in Jesus, just be in His presence, experience the realness of His promises. But I don't. And I can't. My current reality is one that is all mangled and messy and imperfect. Yes, I have moments of joy, grace and His goodness. Yes, I cherish experiencing the fall, being in love, learning a new job, sitting in coffee shops. Yes, I am confidant that I am exactly where He wants me to be.

Most days I feel as if it should be easier to have it all together here...but it's not. It's only easier to pretend to have it all together. And I'm finally coming into the realization that it is okay that I don't quite yet.

engaged.

{ dedicated to the man who stole my heart, Lee Deneen...}

The shock of it all has taken a while to settle. As I look back on that day, I see it only in small yet glorious moments. Snapshots of a day that would change my entire future in the best way possible.

I remember standing in the kitchen with his mom early that morning, when he walked in and put his arms around me. A sigh of contentment and a smile of relief came, one that only comes when we are in such close proximity to one another.

I remember sharing my heart with him in the car, how hurt and sad I was that our weekend plans had changed so drastically. He accepted and validated my feelings, comforting me with his kind words while guarding his secret of what was about to unfold.

I remember rolling my eyes when he told me about a new "coffee and tea shop" he wanted to try for breakfast, a mere 20 minutes before the church service we were supposedly heading to attend. Wanting to support his adventurous spirit, I kept my mouth closed about the time and followed him down to the river.

I remember sitting on that brick wall, as he opened his journal and began to read. It took a second a for my mind to focus when he opened with: "How do you tell the woman that you love that you want to be with her forever?".

I remember looking down at this man before me, on one knee with ring and heart exposed, asking possibly one of the most vulnerable questions he'll ever ask in his life.

I remember how easy it was to say yes.

I remember walking around afterwards in a daze, moving forward only because of the gentle strength of his hand in mine - leading me, guiding me, protecting me, loving me.

I remember my unrelenting smile while sitting at brunch, unsure of how I got here, looking back and forth between my left hand and the love of my life. How many kisses we stole on that back porch restaurant overlooking the river I'll never be sure.

I remember driving up to his parents home, only to be greeted by family and friends and love and joy and so many happy tears.

I remember later that night, when all the celebration had calmed and all the people had said good-bye. We were left alone, possibly for the first time since it happened. As I sat in that coffee shop, waiting for him to return with our order, it was all I could do to not stare at this new addition to my ring finger. Oh, it's physical beauty is breath-takingly indescribable. But the beauty I found there that night was so much deeper. It was the beauty of a promise, a future covenant, a holy union. The beauty of God's perfect timing, His goodness, His grace. There is much I have to learn about what this ring, this question, this "yes" will really mean. But as I glanced up and saw my now future husband approaching me with that dreamy smile, that goofy saunter, that quiet strength and those handsome eyes that always seem to shine bright with hope, I fell in love all over again.

And I pray that for the rest of our days together, we'll always remember the moments like these that have bound us together, mingled our souls, deepened our love and strengthened our hearts.