cloudy.

The worst is when you can't see anything.

When you look out that small, rounded window and all you see is a white haze of clouds. Nothing.But.White. No beautiful blue sky, no comforting green trees below...just white.

I don't like anything about flying. Something about being suspended in air thousands of miles above the ground in a metal box with wings brings out an inexplicable anxiety in me. But when the view outside my window turns white....it's all I can do to grab hold of my arm rest for dear life { or the hand of the person next to me, if you are so lucky as to receive the gift of sitting with me in an airplane } and focus on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

Because it's in the white when everything becomes bumpy, when turbulence hits the strongest. The slightest jolt of the plane sends my heart into panic. With each bump, I'm sure that we are falling to our death. I don't think straight. My knee begins to shake. The anxiety builds to the point of debilitation. Suddenly, I am controlled by my surroundings...the white cloudy mess of it right outside the window.

Oh and isn't that how it works in my life? When the cloudiness and confusion seep in, everything seems to be falling apart. Can't think straight. Don't know which way is up. Every little bump in the road of life throws me into even more confusion and desperation and the assumption of my impending doom. Will I ever make it out of the fog?

What else can I do but wait. To grab hold of those arm rests - to reach out to people I know are safe and to stand on what I know is true. And breath in deeply the grace of God as I wait for the cloud the pass. I rest in the mystery of what God is doing. The white haziness of life can't stay forever.

Eventually, I spy a peep of sunlight or a glimpse of sky or the ground unfolding below me...relief washes over me and I remember: everything will be okay. The cloudiness will not kill me. The unknown will not break me. The anxiety will not overcome me.

It's in these moments, I stand firm on this promise..."Behold, I will be with you always."

Even in the distortedness of a cloudy window, He does not leave us alone. And I will trust this - I must trust this - with every inch of my being. Because without it all hope is lost. And I cannot lose this grace-filled, loving, trusting kind of hope.