Today is one of those days. One of those days where as much as I want to believe it, no amount of black coffee will suffice.
I came to realize something this morning: I desperately crave a schedule. A schedule that doesn't change or get rearranged last minute. Something solidified. A week where I don't have to mark my pen through previously planned thing in order to move it to another day or add something else in. As the weeks go on, my planner begins to look more and more like a fifth graders homework, where they just can't seem to find the right answer.
I can feel myself growing more and more desperate for stability but the further I grasp for it, the faster it disappears.
And isn't that always the way it works in life? We chase after these things we think will complete us, satisfy us, make us happy...but the longer we chase them, the harder they are to catch.
Stability. Does such a thing even exist in this new life abroad I am stumbling through? I can not be sure. But yet I shamelessly attempt to obtain it, no matter the cost.
But this morning, it was ripped out from under me like a rug and I am left sitting on the ground, looking around for someone to blame. Until I realized that someone to blame was me. Because more then stability, I want control. (There's always a root issue, isn't there?) I want to control this life of mine to turn out the way I see fit. Is there anyone out there that can relate to this or am I the only one attempting to tame my own life?
Surrender to Me, I hear Him whisper to the depths of my soul.
Surrender sounds nice but it is actually terrifying. So I fight it - everyday - running to stability instead of the Holder of my heart. Grasping for control instead of the Soother of my soul. Seeking my schedule instead of the Author of my faith.
And instead of bringing the peace and joy I expect, I am left disappointed, frustrated and confused.
I wonder how many days of disappointment, frustration and confusion it will take before true surrender really happens? I'll have to keep you posted...
Girl. WORD.
ReplyDeleteI totessssssssss relate. Thank you for writing my life story of the past year and a half, haha! If ya don't mind, I'm just gonna copy/paste this into my journal. hehe, j/k
But I will absolutely validate that the struggle is real. For me, adjusting to the beauty of the flexibility of Young Life staff schedule has been a challenge. I like consistency, routines, and... oh yeah... control. I started carrying a pencil with me so I can fill-in my planner in an easily erasable manner, because, just as I have things worked out, my schedule WILL change. There's no stability. In my prayer group a few months ago, the girls were talking about how the Lord was instructing them in how to put order into their lives, how to build discipline into their schedules to seek Him through order... and I was like, huh... I'm the opposite! I've gone from having such a structured schedule to now.... like.... well, you understand... and so my lesson this season to find the Lord amidst the disorder. He's like "Hey, I'm here in the chaos with you!" But I'm needing to train myself to communicate with Him in a constant way, amidst the fun clutter of life! Staying in touch continuously through all the twists and turns of the day, Jesus will bring me peace and delight :) I send you prayers, my friend, for the true surrender of your heart and for the joy of Jesus to overwhelm you as you relinquish that control to Him and let him take you on an incredible journey! (pray for me too.... it's a work in progress over here!)
XOXO