I've been very retrospective this week...which makes sense, considering today is my 30th birthday. It's weird, you know. I always thought I would freak out when it came time to turn 30 but I feel a peace about it, even a hint of excitement. By moving into my 30's, I'm leaving behind my 20's. So I've been thinking a lot about these last 10 years of my life - celebrating their joys, grieving their losses. Sometimes to make room for something new, we have to say goodbye to something old.
Goodbye 20, 21 year old Ella. Sad & heartbroken. Lost & searching. Seeking security & safety in places that were all wrong. Trying to figure out which path the Lord was calling you to walk. Trying to figure out healthy friendships. Trying to figure out how to be you without being someone else too. Trying to figure out love. Trying to figure out how to be an adult. Trying (& mostly failing) at trying to figure out a lot of different things.
Goodbye 22, 23 year old Ella. On the precipice of new adventure & a new home in Costa Rica. Discovering longing. Discovering healing. Discovering feelings. Discovering yourself. Discovering culture. Re-discovering God. Laughing & loving. Carefree & silly. Experiencing the dichotomy of joy & sorrow in the same breathe.
Goodbye 24, 25 year old Ella. Freshly moved to Nicaragua. Certain of the trajectory of her life, yet had no idea what Jesus had up His sleeves. Questioning & doubting the goodness of God amidst such terrible suffering. Disappointed & lonely & unsure what to do about it. Constantly feeling the weight of transition. Constantly feeling the humor of transition.
Goodbye 26, 27 year old Ella. The growing, learning, connecting with Jesus, Ella. This Ella is not only my favorite but also the hardest to say goodbye to. The sweetest, most challenging years so far. Learning who He created me to be & growing into that person. Tears...so many tears. But tears that were breathing life back into me. Grieving, life-shaping tears that brought fields of beautiful wildflowers wherever they were sown. Wild & free. Psalm 27. Letting go. Connecting to Jesus in new & freeing ways. Content with the good life He had given her.
Goodbye 28, 29 year old Ella. With all your transition & uncertainty & newness. With your whirlwind years of such sweetness & joy yet such hardship & pain. With so much change in the best way possible. Filled with grace. Filled with wonder. Filled with hope. Filled with love.
As I think about 30, the words that keep coming to mind are strength & courage. Strength & courage. Strength & courage. I'm not sure why. I'm not exactly sure what this means - but I know that I want it. I want to live those words out in whatever way possible. I want strength & courage to encompass me, be a part of who I am.
Yet, not my own strength, not my own courage. I want it to be His strength, His courage.
Here I am: sitting on the back patio of my house in Atlanta, with my handsome husband beside me and the cutest pup running around the yard. Some might say I've "made it" at this point but I know this is not the end goal. This is all simply a gift from Him, my good, good Father. A temporary glimpse of future treasure that does not rot or wither away but lasts for eternity. No. it's You, Jesus. You are the aim & goal, just as You always have been. But I thank You for these momentary glimpses into the sweetness of Your Kingdom come.
Maybe that is why strength & courage are the words He has given me. He knows I will need strength, He knows I will need courage to continue seeking His face in this new year, this new season, this new decade.
Hello 30 year old Ella. Whatever comes, may strength & courage be the cry of your heart.
