You, unfortunately, are one of my oldest friends. You have always been there for me in times of pain and sadness. Disappointment and guilt. Shame and loneliness. You helped me to survive when the waves of life knocked me over. You were a place of safety when I didn't know how to handle myself. But Denial -- like an comfy, old blanket that is now falling apart at the seams, it's time to let you go.
Deny. Numb. Avoid. Shut out. Shut down. Build walls. Run. Hide. Brush off. Ignore. I could go on forever with all your different names and faces. But it would still come down to this: I don't need you anymore. I don't need your numbing sensations, your pseudo promises of freedom or your so-called protection. With you by my side, I am only living a half-life. My soul dances with a limp. My heart struggles to regain it's strength. I see you now for what you are: a mere band-aid for a wound that needs surgery. But the band-aid isn't working anymore...I need the hands of a Healer.
So I have to say goodbye. I will miss you, that's for sure...you definitely make life easier. Hiding is always the easier option. But in order to honor my God-created center, I have to quit hiding it away. More and more as I let you go, I'm experiencing the sadness, disappointment. shame, guilt, contempt of years and years gone by. The pain running deep and tearing at the flesh of my heart, welling up and pouring over as tears of the soul. Yet - the joy and peace and laughter and victory and courage runs even deeper, springing up as an everlasting fountain.
It's worth it.
Pain screams loudly. Disappointment feels raw. Guilt always lingers. Shame attacks souls. Loneliness is isolating. Contempt grows hatred. But joy brings life. Peace calms storms. Laughter heals wounds. Victory cultivates empowerment. Courage negates fear. And I cannot deny one without denying the others. How intricately connected are these soul emotions of mine.
I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of running. I want to learn how to live again. I want to be motivated by Love, not fear. I want to become the person God created me to be. I know the path is a desert one. Long and dry and lonely. I know the dangers, risks, doubts. Oh Denial, I do wish I could take you with me. But I'm choosing a different path, a unique way, a grace-filled road. One where you simply must be left behind. In the end, I'll be better for it.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
-Robert Frost
