worth.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the constant, raging battle within me that allows what is around me to tell me who I am. I'm tired of fighting for my sense of worth against the billowing waves of society and culture and relationships. I'm tired of walking with the weighty, rusted chains attached to my hands and feet that rub my wrists and ankles raw when I attempt to shake them off. I'm tired of allowing myself to be defined by the curveballs life tosses at me. I'm tired of walking through life with a limping soul.

I'm done with that life. They. Don't. Get. That. Power. I'm taking a stand. It's an internal stand, one that perhaps will go unnoticed by the average eye. But everything within me is roaring and fighting and battling because I have to make the choice. The choice that chooses truth over feelings, trust over walls and One over all.

They don't get to define me anymore. No one but One gets to tell me who I am and Whose I am. That Young Life girl who decided to stop taking my calls? That job which causes so much sacrifice?  That guy who walked away? That device that is no longer the newest or most updated?  That person whose standards I can never seem to live up to? That friend who never said "I'm sorry"? That image of perfection I'm supposed to create for people around me?

I've over them. I wash my hands of their false claims that tell me I have to look a certain way to be someone. That I have to act a certain way to get someone. That I have to perform a certain way to prove I am someone. For too long I have run on the hamster wheel of self-worth - running faster and faster and faster trying to reach the next acceptable image of myself. The image of myself that I will finally think is worth something. All the striving and hoping and conforming around some foreign, unobtainable sense of worth has got to stop.

There is only One who should have that kind of power and I have denied it of Him for too long. He comes and gently lifts me when I have run myself dry, spent myself on an endless list of things I think will fill me up, only to find myself left emptier then I was before. He whispers in my ears and His voice travels directly to the realms of my heart and He tells me exactly who I am:

I am unique.
I am beautiful.
I am creative.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am valuable.
I am brave.
I am strong.
I am tender.
I am faithful.

There, in ten simple words, my worth is found again. My soul breathes again. My heart pitter-patters within me because this kind of worth is not one that I have to seek - it is one that is simply given, gracefully and lovingly.

For twenty-seven years I have tried it the other way and let me tell you - it just isn't working. I'm tired of the fight. He tells me I'm worth it every day...it's time I start doing the hard work of simply believing.

change.

"I've learned the hard way that change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways." - Shauna Niequist

Change. It's one of those things that I sometimes can crave down to the very depth of my soul: change of pace, change of temperature, change of seasons, change of schedule. But unexpected change - the kind of change that comes running out of no where and side tackles me - that kind of change can leave me lying on the ground, unsure of which way is up.

One might think that as I get older, change comes more easily.
"It's inevitable!" they say.
"It's life great teacher!" they say.
But as I've found myself in another season of change and transition, it seems with age it only takes longer and longer for my mind to accept, for my heart to adjust, for my life to re-normalize.

Many times with change - no matter how big or small - comes loss. Loss of what was, loss of comfortability, loss of the familiar. And if I'm not careful, I can get lost in the blur. I get so caught up in the loss of what was, that I lose sight of what could be. In essence, I lose hope.

Recently, a friend spoke on change and the way that life is really just one change after another. He said: "God places each of us in a sea of change so that you will not cling to some passing ship." And isn't life just that - a blurry sea of change. A sea of change in which the only thing that does not change is Him.

Change isn't always fun and new and welcomed. Sometimes change is heavy and hard and cruel. But it's in those moments of change that grabbing hold of just any passing ship simply won't do. In fact, passing ships do anything but save me - they only sink me lower. There is only One solid Rock to which I can cling, trusting that there I am safe.

Embracing change is a lesson I'm still learning. But in the midst of the seasons of transition and change and growth, my heart breathes in these words of truth, replaying them over and over again:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him." -Romans 12:1 (MSG)

Cling to what is sure, dear heart. Trust in His sweet goodness. Embrace the story that is being written by hands of Love. Brave those tumultuous changes of life by grabbing hold of His promises and never letting them go.

July.

August, August, August. How did you get here so fast? It seems like only yesterday I was staring at the first of June on my calendar, dreaming of all that the summer months had to offer. And now we're back to square one - calendars and to-do lists and schedules galore. Now don't get me wrong! I do love the  fresh start of a new school year. But today...today I just want to spend a little time remembering the whirlwind month of July. RIP July - we had a good run.

July is for popsicles, Vida Joven outreach events & beauty.

July is for Independence Day at the beach, circle time, enjoying beautiful sunsets, bro time and creek floats.

July is for best friend's wedding.

July is for spending time with friends you haven't seen in a while.

(yes, including the pups!)

July is for spending two weeks at the Nicaragua Young Life camp, La Finca.

July is for helping run program at YL Family Camp.

(Nica's national YL director knows how to get wYLd, too!)

July is for hosting mission teams and planting coffee plants.

July is for being surround by beautiful views.