sweetly broken.

Since being in Costa Rica, I have been attending a church called La Vina, a Spanish church. I can (on a good day) usually understand the main idea of what is being said but it has been so fun to watch my Spanish listening ear improve from the first couple of weeks to now. Can't wait to see how much further it comes in the months to come!

One of my favorite things about attending a Spanish church is the worship. There is just something so moving about worshipping God in another language. The Holy Spirit just takes over - suddenly I am proclaiming all this truth and sometimes I don't even understand which truths I am proclaiming. Such was the case with the song "Dulcement Quebrantado" (Sweetly Broken).

The first time I heard this song, my eyes filled with tears at the chorus. At the time, I had actually no idea what most of the words meant in English...all I knew was that somewhere deep down in my soul of souls, the Lord was beckoning. I had no idea what He was calling me towards but I could feel it. My heart, my soul, my mind, my strength - everything in me was suddenly being pulled to discover something deeper within myself.

He was beckoning me to take a step towards my brokenness.

And without even knowing it, everything in me attempted to dig my heels in, to come to a screeching halt, to run in the opposite direction. I knew that the Lord was doing something but I couldn't figure out what - and to be honest, I was terrified to find out.

Slowly but surely, the Lord continued to call my name. He continued to pursue. He continued to beckon. Because He knew that this step was the next step I needed to take towards freedom. Freedom from what, I have no idea. Just...freedom. To be free. Isn't that the desire of every soul? It has surely been the desire of mine for a very long time.

And then I read an chapter of a book that my friend sent me called "Longing" by Ruth Haley Barton. And there again, I was touched to the very center of my being.

She writes:
"Regardless of the pain I experienced, I did not want to live forever in a hardened or broken state. For the first time, the Jesus prayer - uttered by the blind and broken of Christ's day - began to pray itself in me unbidden: 'Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I knew that whatever needed to be done in me, God would have to do, for I was incapable of fixing myself."

Like a kick in the stomach, I was out of breath. How long have I been trying to fix myself? How long was I allowing myself to live in a hardened or broken state? Doesn't Jesus promise us life and life to the fullest with Him? (John 10:10) And how many people have I claimed this promise over in ministry, when I wasn't even claiming it over myself? And what does that mean, when your own built up walls are what is causing these chains? Where do you go from there?

To the foot of the cross, that's where. And that is exactly where my Lord was leading me. Oh, but it still took some more prying.

This same friend also gave me a book titled Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen. In a chapter called "Brokenness", I read this:

"Our brokenness reveals something about who we are. Our sufferings and pains are not simply bothersome interruptions of our lives; rather, they touch us in our uniqueness and our most intimate individuality."

"Our first, most spontaneous response to pain and suffering is to avoid it, to keep it at arm's length; to ignore, circumvent, or deny it...still, my own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step towards it...I am convinced that healing is so often so difficult because we don't want to know the pain."

And there I am. Walls stripped down, hardness melted away, the deepest part of me that I thought I was so good at hiding: I am afraid of the pain. I am terrified of risking anything that might cause this pain. I am scared to truly look at my brokenness because of the reality of what will be staring back at me.

And Jesus knows this. He has known this about me all along. This is why He is calling me towards my brokenness. Because He knows the underlying fear, He knows my self-protective methods and He knows every piece of my brokenness. He knows what lies ahead.

But yet, He beckons me nonetheless. And so, inch by inch, I follow. I have no other choice. I follow Him into the depth of my brokenness. And it is a terrifying risk...but one I am willing to take.

I know I can trust Him. Because He, who knew no brokenness in Himself, looked all of my brokenness in the eye on the cross. My brokenness became His brokenness. And so to the foot of the cross I go because no where else can I truly see and feel the depth of His love for me. And no where else can I bear my brokenness unless He bears it for me.

Dulcemente quebrantado. Sweetly broken, at the foot of the cross. And as terrifying and scary and risky and painful as it might be, there is no where else in the world where I would rather be. Because even in pain, I am safe with Jesus. Even in brokenness, I am complete in Christ.

Happy Sunday.

"A groom sees past the irregularities and blemishes, he sees beauty beneath the strains and stretches of what life has done to his bride’s body, he sees what he has chosen to be his—and He has called it good from the very beginning. And there, with that in mind, He presents us blameless, spotless, stainless to Himself. He reconciles what is broken and messy, and brings us whole to the Father for the eternal wedding feast.

And only He can do it."

…Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.


Ephesians 5:25-27

Part of an entry I enjoyed, from a blog post sent to me by a friend. Here is the rest of the blog if you are interested: http://sayable.net/2013/04/blemish/

Happy Sunday!

#nicabound.

This past week, I got to go visit Managua, Nicaragua aka MY FUTURE HOME.

A few highlights:

-Got to laugh a lot and play with my Nica YL team.
-Visited my first International Schools Young Life club, where there was lots of dancing and singing (including an amazing rendition of "Sweet Home Nicaragua"), games, largest ice cream sundae in a rain gutter (which turned into largest ice cream food fight) and heard a great talk from Pratt about being satisfied in Jesus.
-Saw more of the city, options for places to live, Nica restaurants, ect.
-Hung out with some girls who go to the American Nicaraguan School and are getting to go to work at a Young Life camp this summer in the states for work crew.
-Went to the largest market in Central America...60 blocks worth of everything you could every want. Super hot, super overwhelming and super awesome.
-Attended my first "Campamento Crecimiento" or "Growth Camp" for all the team coordinators and planning teams for the different clubs in Managua (in Spanish) and got to serve on the "equipo de programación" or program team.
-Celebrated my first Nica birthday with basically lots of delicious food and team time all day...ending the day with Strawberry Cheesecake at midnight!

And it was amazing.

It is so cool how at home it already feels there. Before deciding to go on International Staff, I don't think Nicaragua had ever crossed my mind. And now, I can't wait to finally move there and get settled in.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" -Isaiah 55:8-9

How true. I have thought on this verse many times in my life, but never have I experienced it more clearly then through the process to get here and my time here.

As humans, we can only see one piece of the puzzle. But the Lord sees the puzzle put together - the whole, beautiful picture of His story for each of us. And it really is so much better then what we think it should be.

His perfect will for us. There is no better place. Because even if that place brings pain, hurt, confusion...we can trust that He is working it out for our good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

Maybe my thinking is naive. Maybe because of where I am in life right now I can see it more clearly. It's so much easier to claim the promises of God when you don't feel that deep, heart wrenching pain that life sometimes brings. But...

"One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." -Psalm 62:11-12a

ALL THAT TO SAY, I am thankful for where the Lord has brought me and where He will take me. Grace and grace and more grace is all He gives me. Eucharisteo.

"For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." -John 1:16
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Ice Cream Sundae in a gutter

Ice Cream party...YL style.

Ice Cream food fight

This chica got it bad!

With the amazing (soon to be mom) Ashley Butler!

I believe at this point we were singing "Firework" by Katy Perry...at the top of our lungs, obvi.

Work Crew training with Mariana and Anamaria.

Birthday celebrations in Nica...here's to many more!

When the leaders first got to Growth Camp, they went through a hilarious obstacle course,
 filled with games where they got pretty messy.

And everyone loved it!

Where we had club every night at growth camp.

Jen and I with some of the girls in our cabin.

Pilar and I...this crazy chic attempted to teach me some Latino dance moves...
(attempt being the key word here.)

And in true Nica style...all 90(ish) leaders squeezed into every corner
of this school bus to head back to Managua!

Also, here is a video of a 30 second dance party at Growth Camp...the best!

Oh, Nica...until we meet again! <3

pics.

Here are some pics from the Young Life Costa Rica Service Project...I tried really hard to put them in order but they weren't having it...so here is a random conglomeration of everything that happened...its crazy, randomness is fitting with my life here!

This was day 5- therefore, I was slap happy and worn out...

Alex and I getting creative about how to collect rocks.

Making sure everything is level

First time trying some type of fruit that I can't remember the name -  it was sweet and furry and strange and good (in my opinion).

End of day 2 work.

How we mixed cement.

More cement mixing.

And one more...

Jen and I!

End of day 3 work.

End of day 3, again.

Making sure everything stays leveled out.

Sunset!

Casual standing in the cement, letting the water set before we begin mixing.

Last day of work where, finally finished the court!

YL Leaders

Pouring buckets of rocks to help make the foundation.

Singing out hearts out at club.

Right before we left, with the basketball court again!

The amazing Isa and Bella, Italian cooks who led all of our YL club games.

Digging out the grass to make a foundation.

Moving gravel/sand from this pile to one closer to the court to mix the concrete.

Pasta hair styles at club

Sarah and I carrying rocks

Lindsay and Tiffany carrying rocks...Lindsay worked with one arm all week!

Yup. Pretty much what we did all week...carry rocks.

Josh getting a pasta hairstyle at club as well.

Teaching the kids in Talamanca how to limbo

This is literally how we mixed all the cement for the whole court...no such thing as a concrete mixing truck down here!

The fabulous Costa Rican YL team

On the bus on the way to Talamanca! This was before the accident we had where a car ran into us and we wound up waiting on the side of the rode for 2 hours...thankfully no one was hurt, the bus was fine and everyone kept a great attitude!

The house where all the chicas stayed

So there you go!

March.